I am uncertain. I hate uncertainity. Sure I don’t mind risk, but to an extent. I calculate my risks, or maybe I am under the false impression that I am good at it. I want to move on, I don’t yet know where. Where I will go, where I am. I need to see where I am, but I can’t find myself.

Of late I feel destroyed, but not explosively. Almost deconstructed, taken apart, bit by bit, helplessly watching myself, being eliminated, being wiped away.

I also need to try and find out the truth in my own thoughts. I am good at lying, but I think I’ve been lying to myself all along. I am only human. I hope I am.

This post has been about me. All about me. But where am I? What am I? I have just been eliminated. Maybe, there is somewhere I can find myself, somewhere i belong, somewhere I exist.

I am tired of searching for that place.

We live in strange times. Times that see us as humans crashing, colliding into each other, and at the same time, show us hope and joy and celebration.

Why does time affect everything? All that we think, all that we see, all that we do. Why have i started to become constantly disillusioned with the phenomenon called time.

I dont think I have time for this. But what do I have time for. Or is it the other way round? Do I mean anything to time?

Its been a while since someone has asked my blog URL despite the fact that I did tell in advance that my blog is dormant.

So i know you will read this, and this goes out to you….a new beginning maybe…now that I have time to think more, read more, rant maybe…. I do not know what I will do next…where the ball ends up landing, red, black, odd, even…what i shall make….what i shall lose. But i now know i am free….for how long though, that is yet to be discovered.

one of my biggest problems is being free…..i just cant remain idle….and while i was looking forward to moving on….the fact that i dont know what i will do now…is a bigger shock that is going to hit me….and after 2 days of nothingness….ill be begging for something to do…hint to all of you out there….

till i see you again…have a wonderful time all around.

Have a look!

Back to the topic of this post. Those who know a local band called Noori, they had a song called “Saari Raat Jaaga” in their second, but very oddly named album, “peeli patti aur raja jani ki gol dunya”. essentially the title circles around tobacco and its types and the (intoxicating) world it creates.

Anyhow…here is a link to the song in its original form, Id recommend you all to listen to this first.

Once you have heard the original one….please take a few minutes to understand the music that was played….and then, go for this one.

Please use good quality speakers….and if you like the song…do let me know!

When this so called shift happens, we undergo a seperation between our concious and subconcious selves, its like a person, with a single mind and body, yet split into two spirits. Fact is, you can split everthing else but the spirit. But who gives a fuck about facts. My world, my views, my way. I dont care if you agree or not.

You tend to undergo certain introspective moments, times that we want to be alone to ourselves and away from everyone and everything as we know. Times you wish the world would bloody well stop spinning, that the wind froze, that time stopped passing by, that things remained static, till you saw yourself come back.

And then, when the dust settles, you see whats left, where you are, where you should be, and then you realize, that in all the time that has passed, that in all that time, you have been waiting, silently waiting. You realize that you are close, yet far. Sometimes too close, yet very far at the same time and when everythings seems perfectly normal, serene, calm and cool, you are always, always, one step too far.

1 – Go to “wikipedia.” Hit “random… Read More”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 – Go to “Random quotations”
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3 – Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4 – Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.
5 – Post it it. And if you are reading this, you are tagged!

Tag 25 ppl if you chose to do this. Oh and if you have been tagged, you have to do it. If you are a random reader, doing this tag is optional.

1) I believe I am a dreamer, yet most people believe I am immensely practical.

2) I cant write. I mean I cant hold a pen/pencil in my hands and do anything. If I do manage to, I most probably wont be able to read my own handwriting later. BUT, I like fixing things, no matter how small they are, so I do have control over the muscles in my fingers.

3) I don’t dream. I just don’t. Or maybe I just NEVER remember them, unless they are something weird.

4) I have premonitions. But I only recall them while the incident is occurring. There is nothing I can do to stop it. I have no idea what triggers them.

5) I love photography. Yet I have ditched the camera and barely take pictures anymore. I want to have more time to pursue this hobby.

6) I love travelling. Im mad about it! If you are good company, I don’t mind taking a trip around the other side of the world with you.

7) I believe I stick to myself, yet im perceived as a social something. WHY THE HELL????

I am a food freak! And looks are surely deceiving

9) I have very few friends, but the ones I have, id trust them with a gun and a blindfold.

10) I USED to be a sweet freak. No longer!

11) I cant stand diet drinks….they make my face hurt :S

12) I used to be able to write fiction. For some reason I just cant do that anymore.

13) Oh and I just cant stand cheese, except on pizza of course.

14) Although I like to think that I don’t care about what people think about me, I have realized I really do care about what people are thinking about me and as much as I would like to deny it, I am very conscious of my surroundings in whatever situation I am. (I copied this one because I agree with it, and it was well written).

15) I think I have learnt to be tactful, maybe diplomatic…maybe enough to make people hate at times.

16) I am pathetic at maintaining contact with people. I often don’t call my friends for 6 months/ a year maybe. Just yesterday I met a friend after 4 years.

17) My skin remains cold, mostly. No matter what the weather. Don’t know why, but its not as if I feel cold or something.

18) I have a very strong faith in the Almighty. Infallible. I pray it stays that way.

19) Deep down inside, I think I will always remain a scientist. Not because I want to know what chemicals make what, but because I want to know things. Discover things. It only makes my faith stronger.

20) If I were free from responsibilities, id be happy living a life where I could just gather knowledge and information. That’s all that matters to me.

21) My back hurts if I sleep more than 9 hours a day, it gets back to normal in 30 mins of being up and about. And I badly need 8 hours of sleep.  AND afternoon siestas can be murderous.

22) I hate getting my picture taken! And I hate attending weddings

23) I strongly believe that knowledge and information is useless unless someone takes advantage of it. So if there is something you want to know, ask me. If I know about it, I have no issues sharing.

24) I have a crazy taste in music. Minus Indian cheap music, my tastes spread across many genres.

25) I love lightning and thunderstorms. I can spend hours in one, just looking at lightning.

I have been away from my blog for quite a while, mostly because I have been out of time. At times I feel like im kind of chasing time, or maybe, sometimes I am just too lazy!

So heres the story. about a couple of hours ago, I got done with recording for a show with Dawn News TV. Rabia Garib called me up a couple of days back asked if I was available on Sunday. While I initially suggested I’ll be at a strict time frame, by this morning I had done all that was needed and made sure I had time for whatever she had in mind. I seriously had no idea that the show would be so much fun to do!

When I reached T2F, I realized I was the last one to arrive. Farrukh, Fariha Ameer Hamza and Jamash were already there. I must say though, that Mariam and Adnan from Dawn made it all really fun!

Anyhow, once we got done with all that, as I was giving a self introduction, I had to use the terms “I used to blog….” etc….so I realize I have to get back to blogging.

Thank you Rabia, Mariam and Adnan, for shaming me into blogging!

Oh and I have a secret treasure….accumulated while we were recording That I shall reveal later!

It is not the disturbance that bothers me most, it is the state of not know what it is…not knowing what to do, not knowing where to be, and not knowing what to think.

To be lost in the moment and enjoying time as it comes has become rare. To look sensible and put up with things, life and people around me is more a farce than it is reality at times.

I have this weird desire for silence, for peace and nothingness around me. It is as if i want to just take a step out of my body and for a moment just look at what goes on, how things are, how people are, maybe just fix things to whatever extent I can and then just vanish. I feel less. Lesser and lesser of me with the passing days and moments in time. The shadows of the walls around me fail to hold back the sun, and in the open, there is no sun. The day is now the night.

Things that I want to say, cannot be said, what I want to do, cannot be done, what I want to be, just cannot be.

I feel like I am cheating my family, my friends into saying that things are fine, that I am fine, for I am not. For I have never been. Criminally insane, in perpetual disdain.

A slow rot eats into me skin, my flesh, succumbing, my mind, eroding, my thoughts, just flowing, disappearing, maybe evaporating. My life, just fading.